The wrestling within me is violent and messy. I am called to this task, to this keyboard, yet I deny it and disclaim it. In fact, I run from it. Any distraction will do. Any little thing that needs my attention calls me away from writing. Is this more of refusing God’s ways? Is this my foolish flirting with my own plans?
A headstrong filly, mane blowing in the wind, wildly avoiding the bit and bridle and refusing to be saddled; declining to walk along the path or within the corral, runs through the field.
I liken myself to this beautiful creature who has so much power and strength, but who would rather be distractible and free. The freedom usually comes with a cost; getting wounded by errant fencing, falling into holes, getting sidelined from important events. She is determined to go where she wants, not being told what to do or where to go.
This rebellious lie in me has resulted in years of delay and detour. It is much of the pull and tug in my spirit on a daily basis.
I’m pretty sure that the beautiful Lucifer suffered the same malady. He was lovelier than all the other angels in heaven and had a wonderful existence with the favor of the Almighty God, yet he struggled with his own personal desires for power and presence. He simply could not be second, he could not be told what to do, and he could not be part of Someone Else’s plan.
I must come face to face with myself every day. The Holy Spirit who dwells within me kindly guides and comforts me in the battle. Jesus, my steadfast friend, is my example. Father God protects me and tenderly lets me unload my frustration and complaints at His feet. Still, in the great and unexplainable way of God, He permits me to choose. He lets me leave His throne room and struggle and deny and argue. He lovingly calls out to me and shows me better paths even as I am walking away looking over my shoulder.
It seems I have been doing this all of my days. When I was little, I clearly remember sticking my finger in a light socket after being told not to do so. The shock that followed got my attention more than the directive ahead of the action.
Must this always be so? Must I learn by running away? Must I be injured before I can ‘get’ that God’s ways are better?
The writing is a gift. It has a purpose and can grow and bear fruit. The difficulty is that I must ‘stop what I am doing’ to do it. I talk incessantly about growing things, planting seeds and cultivating a flourishing garden but when it comes to planting the seeds of life in the written word I try to avoid, escape and defer.
Help me, Lord, to embrace this call upon my heart. Help me not to run from, but into Your Arms. Help me to welcome the bridle lovingly placed upon me and teach me to let You drive this where it will go…for Your glory.
'...the Anointed One has set us free-not partially, but completely and wonderfully free! We must always cherish this truth and stubbornly refuse to go back into the bondage of our past." -Galatians 5:1 TPT