I have spent a great deal of my life trying to be perfect at everything I put my hand to. I am uncertain now what the standard was that I held myself to…It is kind of a blur.
Marriage was no different. I was so concerned about HOW I looked… My weight, my hair, my clothes, my children, my house, my relationship with my husband. Everything needed to be just so. Now, never mind we had no money, lived off the kindness of our fathers and scrimped and saved and made things last…I needed to make sure everything looked perfect.
Body image was incredibly important to me. When I became pregnant with my second baby early in our marriage, I was worried about my weight. I had gained EIGHTY pounds with my first pregnancy, likely comfort or stress eating… I did not want to repeat that performance with a husband to impress. When I weighed the same as my husband at nine months pregnant, I was alarmed…140 pounds. Good grief! That was forty pounds less than the first pregnancy! But that wasn’t good enough. I was pretty hard on myself. I delivered shortly after this…and immediately lost all the pregnancy weight. All good.
When we had been married for five years, I became pregnant with baby number three. I was ecstatic. Our little family of four was thrilled. We excitedly waited for our surprise, and I happily ate my way up to 190 pounds by the time our daughter arrived.
I had a meltdown one day after climbing off the scale in our bathroom. My husband held me as I cried my heart out over my perceived obesity. He pointedly looked me in the eye and told me that no matter what I weighed, no matter what I looked like, he loved me still and this love for me had nothing to do with my weight.
An epiphany!
I realized that all the pressure I put myself under, trying to look good, was ridiculous and a complete idol in my own head. It was one of those moments when I could really see the love that my husband had for me, was unconditional, and not at all related to how I looked. All the grief of the years disappeared in that moment.
The freedom to be oneself is a gift that the Father God has given each one of us. We can delight in who He made us to be or we can be constantly trying to change us to measure up to someone or something else.
How beautiful to let go and let God, our Maker, hold. us close and whisper to us how beautiful we are. He delights in us. He rejoices over us with singing!
“The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”
Zephaniah 3:17
What?! Who me?! Wow!!!
How many of us, as awkward teenagers, could have used such knowledge? How many of us, as young, inexperienced brides, could have blossomed under such truth? How many of us, older ones, could walk this out with a giant smile on our faces?
And it is indeed THE TRUTH!
So, at unapologetically sixty-five years old, I am delighting to be called beautiful. By my husband; by my friends; by my God.
And at the risk of sounding a little crazy, I can say out loud, I am hearing a little song of love in my ears all day long…
I am saying THANK YOU, as I go forth, barefooted, across the earth; hands uplifted; face upturned; dancing in delight at all that has gone before; all I am walking through now; and along the road forward, to what is to come…
