I was in Fourth Grade. It is a memory as clear as yesterday in my heart and mind. I was new to the school, having moved onto a new base in Okinawa. I had not met too many people, but I tried to show my shy self as friendly as I could, to fit in.
A group of equally awkward fourth graders were racing back to class after recess when one of our number did a face plant on the cement walk. There was blood and tears and drama. I was experienced with this, having plenty of that in my home with two wild little brothers. The teacher who responded, recognized a need for first aid, as did I. She made eye contact with me and commanded, “Run to the office for help!”
I barely knew where the office was, but I could run fast and there was a need! So off I went as fast as my feet could carry me.
The memory that is imprinted on my mind was the emergent need for help and the rapid reasoning involved in solving the ‘problem’; something I did well. I assumed the role of ‘RESCUER’ seamlessly and accomplished the task of finding help, carrying first aid, and helping a new friend. I remember realizing in a flash as I ran, that I loved being involved in this kind of thing. The surge was invigorating! This was comfortable and useful. In this new world I was in, it was the perfect role to play. Running fast, adrenaline pumping, I had a specific job TO DO. It took the pressure to ‘fit in’ off of my burdened little heart and gave me such a sense of purpose. In that instant, I became, ‘the girl who saved the day.’ For the next several weeks, my notoriety carried me into a place of popularity and honor and I did not have to say a word. Everyone had the story…
The reason this memory has come to mind is all tied up and swirling around in my current decision about retiring from working as a nurse for forty years.
I have been wrestling and twisting and turning over this decision for more than a year. My husband would say severrraalll years. Every time I am on the verge of making a decision, a final decision about it, I go back to work. hehehe… well, it’s a decision isn’t it?!
So true to form, thinking constantly about this…in the garden yesterday, I asked God, ‘Why? Why am I having such a struggle with the idea of NOT working? It would be so fun to NOT work. I don’t HAVE to work. (And remember, this is the busy expert talking. There is never really NOT working.)
In my musing, out of the blue, came a response… “Because you feel needed. You feel valued.”
The obvious next question was, “Why is working as a nurse the way to feel needed? Hasn’t any of the other three thousand things I do had value?! And what is so all fired important about feeling NEEDED?!” Me, huffing at God.
Then that old memory popped into my head.
Ohhhh.
I remember before that Emergency event at school, feeling so lost when we moved for the third time in three months. Each move involved leaving dear friends. Each move uprooted me. Each move involved the loss of things and familiar ground. I was a sad, displaced soul looking for my place in an upside down world. My mom was involved in moving and unpacking and feeding us and caring for younger, needier siblings. My dad was consumed with a new, important and stressful job with long hours. I was on my own navigating this planet.
Before I went to that school, I literally spent a week sitting up in a tree pouting and crying.
Does THIS time in my life look the same? Am I pouting about my identity now? Am I sitting up in a tree by myself, licking my wounds?
I put forth that I am a work in progress. I have set about to listen, to hear, and to know. I refuse to pout, but rather to purpose thanksgiving and praise and joy in every one of my days. These actions look different every day these days. I used to carry these things with me to my work place. My days were dictated 24/7 by somebody else. Now…my ‘work place’ is my home, my yard, my studio, my church, my neighborhood, my town… And my Somebody else is me, guided by Holy Spirit.
I really want to understand how to recognize my value without that deep apparent need to be NEEDED. And yet… Is this basic human 101? Do we all seek after this?
I just have to figure out how my ‘genetic’ predisposition to seek to be needed, or self-discovered coping skill or whatever the heck it actually is, works into what LIFE looks like now, without a highly skilled, max stress, adrenaline-charged job day…
I know that God NEEDS me to be right where I am right now.
"Teach me to number my days..." -Psalms 90:12