In the first year of my marriage, I was figuring out wifing, parenting, working and…pregnancy. That’s right. Not only did we have a toddler we were now expecting our second child…
Besides trying to figure out our relationship and who we were within this covenant, we were developing our ‘Trust’ of one another in a myriad of areas.
The first ‘test’ occurred about 6 months into our marriage. I was in that phase of feeling ugly-pregnant. Dan and his friends had planned a guys’ trip up the coast of California. I was totally okay with this, in fact, glad he was able to get away before the baby arrived. I was helping him pack for the journey when I came across a package of condoms in his suitcase.
Well…you can imagine the words that floated through my head. I was aghast! My newlywed husband was going to CHEAT on me!!!??? And premeditated cheating!!?? My heart was in my throat and was beating a mile a minute. I stuffed them back into the suitcase and slammed it shut. SURELY NOT!? Oh my!!!
But, did I say anything? Did I ask him about it?
NO!!
I bottled the fear, the worry, the accusation, the thoughts, every last bit of the horribleness of such a thing, right up…
…. Until the hour before he was to leave.
The dam broke and a tirade of screaming, hysterical crying and accusation flew out of my mouth. The look on his face was unforgettable…he was completely blindsided, stood perfectly frozen, and waited for me to stop. When I took a breath, he said he would never do anything like that and quietly asked me why I thought such a thing. I flung the package of condoms at him and said, “THIS!!!
His face was priceless. It was half laughing, half horrified. By this time, I was reduced to tears, sobbing uncontrollably in all my hormonal glory. He wrapped his arms around me and just let me cry. When I had slowed down, he said those had been in the suitcase since our honeymoon (oh. I remembered ) and were likely expired too. I realized how foolish I was …but boy did I look like a crazy woman…tears gave way to laughter, and finally a resolution to this event…
I remember this in such detail, because it was a signpost, a milestone, for me along the Trust journey. I did not, could not, would not trust him or anybody. God was calling me out. Will you trust ME? Will you trust your husband?
We both brought our issues of trust into the marriage. Both had parents that were human and let us down, both had relationships where the other person was less than what we thought, both carried the weight of past imperfections and walked right into the fairy tale romance. Our armor had a few dents in it and the crowns were definitely a little crooked.
And then there was this little issue…
I had been a single mom for two years. I was very lenient with my son and really didn’t discipline him at all. Now, in my defense, Nathan was a really easy kid. He was pleasant most all the time, ate whatever I fed him, went to sleep easily for naps and bedtime, loved people and was a ton of fun. Enter a ‘father figure’ who is bringing zero child-rearing experience into the house.
We had a huge difference of opinion about how a child was to be cared for, raised and disciplined. Right off the bat, I could see a problem and basically attempted to assume all controls of said child. I DID NOT TRUST him to know the right thing to do.
This was a huge hurdle that we dealt with for many years. It didn’t just magically disappear. Years of practice and love and patience was required on all of our parts.
I had to learn to trust my husband’s judgement and ‘allow’ him to exercise his role as a father. My lack of trust led to many a heated argument behind closed doors. I never questioned him in front of our kids but I sure did later. Sometimes the conversation went well, sometimes it did not.
I can look back now and have so much wisdom. At the time, however, there was mostly a lot of emotion, power struggle and division.Neither of us would budge, and often the arguments ended in a stalemate. (I’m right! No! I’m right!) Both of us with arms crossed and lower lips stuck out; Only to be able to ‘see’ better an hour later and come together again in unity and agreement
As I write this, I have the luxury of seeing the timeline in its entirety. I see up ahead of those events I described, to what changed and how it changed. I intend to share that, down the road, a few years ahead…
More importantly, in the midst of growing in trust…
I am so grateful that I have a God who never leaves my side in all of these times. He has held my hand and wiped my tears. He picks me up and patches my broken heart. Many of my wounds are of my own making. I can see that. He has shown me how to ask for forgiveness, receive forgiveness and how to offer it to my husband as well.
I think Grace is probably the most powerful gift we can own.
Grace is undeserved favor. Even when we don’t feel like someone DESERVES to be forgiven, we forgive. Even when someone is unloveable, we love. Unconditionally.
I LOVE YOU. No conditions.
-Trust: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. -Oxford
–Trust: development of basic trust is the first state of psychosocial development occurring during the first two years of life. -Erik Erickson Psychoanalyst