Ever feel like someone just put a pin through your balloon? I visualize a red balloon floating in the wind. It is freely dancing about on whatever current carries it in the minute. Then along comes that someone who puts a pin right through it.
I see myself as that pretty little balloon. I am feeling lighter than air, dancing through my day, happily arranging flowers, digging in dirt and contented as can be. My heart is unaware that it is so happy in these moments until it is rudely bruised and pushed about. Then it just wilts.
I know in my head that I mustn’t let the someones do this to me. I guard myself carefully, until I don’t. I don’t ever seem to see it coming. My trusting, caring nature just lets the assaults in repeatedly. The recovery from hurt takes time.
My heart puts up a shield, again.
My thoughts are taken captive, again.
I remove myself into a hiding place and sit in quiet. That is when I realize what has been done. The dancing balloon has been flattened and all but melted in the grass.
The anger flares up! How dare you rob me of this peace and freedom?! Why? Why do you hurt me with your words and facial expressions and body language?! Who am I that I have become your target?!
The next thing is to blame myself. What am I doing wrong? What did I say? What mistake have I made?
Lastly, I resolve, that it is not even personal. It really wasn’t about me at all. It may be about what I represent, the freedom and grace that I carry that allows me to bounce about on the breeze. It may be some loss in them that they are struggling to manage. Whose to say?
A friend counselled that this treatment is soul-destroying. How true those words are. The pin in the balloon is the destruction of my soul. The continual barrage of the destroyer has immobilized me. I have hidden away. The very things that create and carry the oil of gladness are being shoved down into dark places within me and making only sadness and depression.
This morning I awoke to spend time in the Word of God. My bible fell open to an underlined text. Apparently I had been here before.
"Do not fear or be dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours but God's." -2 Chronicles 20:15 ...go down against them ...station yourself ...stand and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf ...put your trust in the Lord your God and you will be established ...those who sang and praised the Lord went first into battle '...when they began singing and praising, the Lord set ambushes..."
Yet again, my faithful Lord had prepared me before this assault.I realize the God who sees saw it coming before I did. Thank You Lord!
My recovery comes quicker this time. The red balloon seems restored and ready to be filled again. She is ready to go back out and sing and dance on the wind.
Ah Lord God! Fill me up with Your Spirit that I might glorify You! You are always good and You desire to flow through me in the dance. Help me to continue on and lightly glide over this earth as You lead. Go before me into battle. Fight the fight for me Lord. Show me how to sing in the midst of the sorrow and pain. Show me Your ways O Lord, for surely You have had this happen to You and know full well the scars that it leaves. I love You Lord and I trust You to do this…love,betsy