Flying in this little plane being tossed up and down as if dodging bumps in the air we are suddenly plunging downward in my body. The feeling of being pressed into my seat but still falling out of it is so confusing. I have no command of my memories as I am reminded of going down a hill too fast. I am back on a ski slope in 1984.
My husband was a skilled skier and was delighting in showing me all that this mountain had to offer. He had skied earlier in the day on the expert runs while I took a ‘class’ on the bunny slopes. We had had a wonderful lunch and he convinced me to ride up the chair lift to see the amazing views. Breathtaking he said, I was enthralled with all things mountains and snow and was excited to see ‘up there’. The first warning for both of us should have been my mishap on the chairlift. I had never been on one and had received zero instruction. When he glided off, I had no idea I was supposed to get off with him. I hesitated just long enough to be 8 feet up in the air before I jumped off. The guys running the lift were alarmed, to say the least, as I jumped off, landing “expertly’ on my skis and then skiing of to the side. They ran over to me to confirm I was okay. I had no idea why. My embarrassed husband explained how to properly exit the lift and then showed me over to the beautiful view. I was in awe for about fifteen minutes.
After fifteen minutes of oohing and ahhing, I asked, ” Where do we go next? Like… how do we get down?” My husband looked down the hill and said, “We go that way.” “WHAT!!??”
Well…I had had four hours of skiing lessons… I could do this. I was looking at a straight down hill that looked to be going down forever. I bravely began with encouragement from husband. I slowly inched down before I realized that I was quickly gaining speed. Husband now says “Snowplow!” I was remembering all the careful instruction… Oh Yeah! Snowplow. I began to use that technique but I then quickly realized I was going way too fast for this technique to slow me down or give me ANY sense of control, so I straightened out my skis and just went for it. I was soon flying down the ‘wall’ of snow with grace and ‘skill’, certainly looking like an ‘expert’, until fear suddenly entered in and I wasn’t having fun any more; felt like I was swan diving down off the beautiful mountain, and was certain death was imminent. I decided to sit down. That slowed me down. It also produced what was probably a dramatic crash because the man I married came racing over to see if I was still alive.
I sat there for what seemed like a LONG time. At least until I had control of my breathing and my heart rate came down. I knew that I would have to stand back up and continue, so I did. Skiing a few feet and then stopping every five minutes when I got going too fast. It was a long ride down and I have NEVER forgotten it. It cemented a long held worry about falling off cliffs….
I actually did the same thing when I was about eight on roller skates. I was skating by myself in an unfamiliar neighborhood at my babysitter’s house and accidentally skated down a street going down a really ‘fun hill’. I did not know that it was a dead end. When I realized that, going at a high rate of speed, I decide I better sit down to avoid crashing into the guardrail. There was no grass lawns in sight to skate into and I had no choice; so I sat.
The damage to my shorts spoke for itself. I spent a few weeks healing some very painful scrapes. I was more embarrassed about the ripped shorts than anything.
Is this how it’s always been? Am I all about the appearance of things? I don’t want to look scared. I don’t want to appear out of control. I don’t want to let on that I’m hurt.
Sitting in the seat of this plane, diving through a storm, I am frightened, sick to my stomach and alone. An unseen Hand presses me down into the seat and wraps arms around me in comfort. I breathe deeply and relax weary muscles. I am not fighting the descent but resting. My eyes see the Glory of the Lord all around me.
I have never been alone. Not here. Not on the mountain. Not sitting on the sidewalk with bleeding skin. He has always been there.
“Fear not, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right Hand.” ~Isaiah 41:10
