Seeing Through the Wounds

Not long ago, and actually, several times throughout my life I was deeply wounded by someone very close to me. The wounds were such that I had to withdraw and hide out for a time. I could hardly control my anger when I would think about her. The hurt feelings would come bubbling up right out of nowhere, my heart racing, the tears on the edge of falling and I had to recount the offense again, surprised that anyone could be so cruel and hurtful to someone they cared for.

Surprise! Why was I surprised? I think that was part of why I got so mad! This wounding was not new. It was a repeated offense that I had endured before, yet forgiven, and apparently forgotten, here it came again to do its damage on my heart.

After the confrontation with my person, I, the wounded one, fall to my knees before the Lord, asking for forgiveness for my loss of temper, my anger toward ‘her’, my inability to forgive, and my need to run away and not be near the horrible mean-ness; like something is wrong with ME!!!! There is agony in wrestling with these feelings when I seek to please, placate and be perfect in every area of my life.

but…grace.

Grace is undeserved favor.

Grace comes in and heals. Grace makes a way. Grace gives new eyes.

I return, with a nervous anticipation of dealing with the hurt once again; with anxiety that I might lose my temper and defend myself from attack. I see only the flaws and the negativity. I cannot even remember why I loved her. She is full of hate and vicious, gossipy talk. I can only stand to be near her for a few moments before I have to leave again.

but grace…

Today I saw the work she had painstakingly done in her garden. The weeds that she dug at the expense of her ailing back. I looked at the rows of peas growing in the midst of Louisiana grass. Somehow, she managed to plant those between rainstorms and morning and afternoon naps. I noticed these things and admired her strength. It was then that I realized the power of grace. Though I was deeply wounded, though an apology never came, though it will probably happen again, though I will be taken by surprise AGAIN, lose my temper and run away, though all of this is reality, I know that I love her and will forgive her once again.

Because now, I see.