When I was little, I was obsessed with horses. I played ‘horses’ with any friend or brother who would get on board. We made reins out of rope or ribbon or belts, or whatever we could find. When I was fortunate enough to own the coveted Breyer horses, I would create elaborate stables and fields and corrals from grass clippings and branches or Lincoln logs or blocks. This play consumed many days of my young life.
In my imagination I was always a beautiful wild stallion running free and untethered. My long tail and mane drifted back in the wind as I glided over hills and valleys.
I still see myself this way. I have likened myself to this unrestrained freedom most of my life.
The reality, though, is that I am more often a headstrong mule. Standing with feet planted, heels dug in, tugging at my bit, I refuse to take a step in any direction not of my liking or choosing. My agenda is THE agenda.
My Heavenly Father has graciously covered me with such a blanket of grace in all the years of stubbornness. He tenderly chides the missteps and guides me in blindness. I have never felt unloved or rejected by His Eye on me. I actually feel blessed and victorious when I actually learn those difficult truths.
I honestly wonder how I got to be so like Jonah sitting in the belly of a whale, whining and complaining when, surely, if I had listened in the beginning and done what I was told I would have suffered far less. hehehe…
Recently, I injured my neck/shoulder, likely doing the heavy gardening I like to do. I have this daily reminder of pain as soon as I squat down to pull a weed or pick up a shovel or hoe. The problem has been that it is not bad enough to stop me, so I press forward, working long hours doing just what I love.
Really, Betsy?
You would think…a tiny twinge would tell someone to slow down or STOP! Nope. Not me. Not stopping. Not giving up. Must finish job.
So…a tiny voice that has been trying to capture my attention for awhile, speaks. The rein is pulled in. The bit in my mouth quiets me. I stand still.
Okay Lord. What do You want?
“I have something for you to do. It will require you to stay out of the garden. It asks you to be still. It wants you to set aside your plans and listen to Mine.”
Of course, being who I am, I question God, “Why? What is it You want me to do?” ( in my mind, “what is this important and illustrious job You have for me?”)
Silence.
He doesn’t say. But He does say,
“Trust Me, Elizabeth.”
Oh boy…here we go…opening up this layer that refuses to be dealt with. Distrust. Fear. Worry….
Okay Lord, my neck pain has proceeded to a headache. I will sit here with my icepack on and listen.
Open my ears and eyes, sweet Spirit of the Living God, that I may Honor and glorify You and only YOU.
So wild stallion or mule?
Unfettered flesh and bone, but channeled in the right direction. Bridled tongue, free to shout across the hills!
help me, O Lord, to remember
who I am
whose I am.
Your daughter.
Your ambassador.
Your priest.
Your blessed one.
Your favorite.
i wait, still,
feet in the dirt
hands in the grass
desiring only You.
"For the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught."
-Proverbs 3:26