Power vs. Strength

Small curly headed two year old, arms folded, little foot stamping with insistence of having her way about something…She lives inside of me, somewhere deep. 

Part of the little girl grew to be a woman who could assert her will graciously, even quietly; but that little foot-stamping tyrant still dwells within, whispering her will on occasions when the woman is being challenged or threatened…

Smart little brother, third in a line of brothers, older than his cute little sister, learned early how to get what he wanted and how to look good at everything he did. He charmed anyone who would listen to his ideas of how things should be done. Boy grew to a man carrying that quiet, willful  authority. 

The little girl met the little boy as they began their married lives. Their love blossomed and so did their ideas of how a family should be run.

Many nights were spent ‘discussing’ those ideas. Those willful natures clashed as they sorted out living, raising kids and staying married. Both thought they were ‘RIGHT’!!

If one of them was right, the other must be WRONG? Who is more powerful? Who is in charge? Who has the power?

Power vs. Strength…

The current ebbed and flowed. Passions ran high then settled into a lull. Life was busy. Another baby. Stressful jobs. It seemed cyclical. Smooth ocean like glass would erupt into a swirling hurricane of anger, frustration, stumbling problem solving,

This was how my married life went for almost seven years.

Somewhere in the midst of the sixth year of marriage, we decided to go to a marriage retreat offered by our church, Vineyard of El Cajon. We secured a babysitter and drove to a beautiful hotel up in LA. Our first real time away since our honeymoon. 

We were both a little skeptical about the retreat. I think we thought we had it all together and no one could tell us any different. We may or may not have gone just for the ‘vacation’. In any case, we attended the sessions and obediently tried to do the exercises suggested for our alone time; Exercises designed to improve communication and understanding of our spouse. We were covered in prayer by the leaders. We prayed together. We worshipped together. We were focused on one another. No talk of kids issues, work issues, financial issues, etc. Just us.

By the end of the weekend, something profound happened in my thinking. I was transformed. I absorbed  one statement from all the information that was shared.

         “You are on the same team.”

That simplifies what I learned. But basically, I finally understood that Dan and I shared common goals, common desires. We both wanted to raise God fearing children, productive members of society. We both loved and cared for one other and wanted God’s Best for our marriage.

It was that simple. 

Now, I cannot speak to what my husband’s take-away was, but I would wager it was similar, because after that weekend, our entire dynamic changed. Where before, I was prepared to defend my opinion and argue every decision we had to make; taking up arms against my husband to fight a battle;  suddenly, I was pausing to consider his viewpoint. That phrase: ‘You are on the same team’ floated in front of my eyes. It was more about, what could I say or do to help US win the game?!

Such novel thinking!

Power vs. Strength

I was then suggesting ideas on how to handle a situation rather than demanding my ideas were the only way.

Better still, our nightly discussions became peaceful conversations, wrapped in understanding and agreement. Often we would pray over things we couldn’t resolve. Our resolve to do better, to be united, for our children, for our family was strengthened.

I am not saying those two willful little kids don’t come out to play on occasion. We are after all, still earthbound with our tendencies toward imperfection. We make mistakes and stomp on one another’s hearts. We have had many the ugly fights that have pushed one of us out the front door. 

I have a tendency to put up with crap until I am a towering inferno of yuck erupting all over the ones I love most. Then, once it spills out, I want to escape, run away. Shame? Fear?

Our one foundation has been: Marriage is blood covenant that cannot be broken by man. It is one that our God established and no matter what kind of a mess we make of things, we cannot, will not, break it.

If we did not have that…. Well…look at the statistics…we’d be one; A casualty.

All of this life is a training ground. We are being prepared for the road up ahead. Every challenge, every obstacle, one to build muscles, endurance, faith. Just when I think I have mastered the course, a new more difficult course presents itself and I embark on a different lesson.

My goal for my team is to tackle every game, every ‘Ninja feat’, with joy and delight. Thanksgiving has to be my biggest weapon to defend my silly, quaking heart. 

I must prepare myself with the Word of God, which is a double- edged sword of truth, able to rend asunder any foe. 

Power vs. Strength

It ain’t easy! 

All of it must be surrounded by LOVE. Unconditional, sacrificial, bountiful love.

Curly-headed girl, marches along behind the woman of God, learning how to hold a saber and how to hold her tongue.

STRENGTH flows in her wake.

We are powerful together. That is what marriage is. A beautiful fountain of strength.

Below, a photo of a statue that we bought while we were away, 1989. I like that it represents our unity and the refreshing that comes when we are TOGETHER. The evidence of the strength that we have as a married couple!

“How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity! It is like precious oil…”

-Psalms 133:1