Hey God.
It’s me again. I am whining.
I had always hoped that I would be that one who, in the midst of suffering, would suffer well. But…sadly, I am not as I thought; and now I am looking at my face in the mirror and realizing that I must learn this lesson once again…Perhaps this time around, Lord?
I walked through the valley with my mama while she labored and suffered. She always counted it a blessing and a jewel in her ‘crown’ to endure suffering, which she did, but with a lip pushed out and eyes downcast, hidden away in a darkened room, saying little that I could hear…
Have I become THAT one?
I perceived myself like some of the godly mentors in by life.They bore their sickness and death with such profound grace and dignity.
One sweet friend wears the sweetest smile every single day. She speaks life wherever she can. It seems that her words are always salted with praise and thanksgiving as she cares tirelessly for her family. She doesn’t leave the house much, responsible for those in her care. She bows in prayer for others, thinking little of her own needs, and is always ready with an uplifting encouragement.
Another precious woman, daily in pain, barely able to walk toward the end, continued to involve herself in every ministry she could get to and rarely missed an opportunity for a prayer meeting. She was spicy to the end, always with a wit and a word of humor. She left this world surrounded by her children and their children rising up and calling her blessed.
I vividly recall a patient I cared for in nursing school. She was not old, had a family of young children, and was hospitalized with a flare-up of Multiple Sclerosis. Essentially it was a death sentence that threatened her abilities every few months. Normally ambulatory and very functional, she was completely unable to move her arms and legs voluntarily. Yet…In her inability and sorrowful life, there was a light coming out of her. I asked her how that could be. She told me her trust was completely in God, the outcome, her times, in His Hands. That made an imprint on my young mind and heart.
These examples are gold! I too, want to labor well through every season. To continue in intercession for my lovies and for the nations as long as I live regardless of my health; to be able to sing and dance despite debilitation; to declare life to everyone I meet. Can I truly do that?
Each time I am sick, or ache, or forget, or see only negatively, I am reminded of the frailty of my soul. The only way that I can possibly bypass my humanity in these hours of illness is to lean into the Holy Spirit who will empower me, revive me, give me eyes to see in the darkness.
This whining time is one of those seasons of illness that threaten my ability, my faithfulness, my integrity, my contentment.
I have never really liked being bridled, or told what to do. I balk at bossy people and rules. Although I honor them on the outside, hidden away in the dark recesses of my soul is a rebellious heart that desperately needs containment. There is a Dennis the Mennis comic picture I recall. Dennis is being scolded. The caption was him talking internally saying, “I may be sitting down, but I am standing up on the inside.” That is me in a nutshell. I am challenged in these seasons where my body is trying to ‘boss’ me around. I refuse to ‘sit down’.
For many years I have successfully avoided that boss, going to work though I wasn’t well, continuing to live my life just the way I thought I should be doing, never listening to the warning signs of burnout and need for rest.
Ultimately it catches up to me.
So…whining has simply come from my wayward heart thinking it knows everything and pridefully insisting on its own way.
Awww, Lord God, I thank You for allowing this prolonged illness to drag me out of my selfish insistence that I run my life. Surely You have a magnificent plan in this. Will You help me to lay at Your Feet and listen. I really do know that You ‘know the plans You have for me and that they are for good and not evil all the days of my life’. Jeremiah 29:11 Will You, and only You, continue Your prolonged patience with me and help me to internalize it for the rest of my life?
The refusal to do as You have instructed, has led to this moment.
Help my unbelief.
Help me to TRUST.
I confess that fear trips me up. Will You help me to be brave?
How precious and dear is our Lord God Almighty, our Abba! He tenderly tucks me into bed and says to me, “Be still and know.”
Thanks, God. I’m glad You are always here with me…even if I am whining.
Maybe this time around I will learn this lesson.
“Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and He has become my salvation.”-Isaiah 12:2