Not Enough

Swirling thoughts of need, want, loss, worry, more. All spinning around in a frantic confusion in my head. I don’t have enough space, or time, or energy to accomplish what I need to do. Always behind. Always focused on the lack in my day.

MORE Lord. I want more.

What is this in me that seeks after the more? To see more? To get more? To make more? More time. More light. More food. More space for planting. More plants. More children. More grandchildren. More more.

I think that we were created to enlarge. The Maker said, “Go. Inhabit and be fruitful and multiply.” We were given so much and He said go and make more. When Jesus gave us the Good News He said, “Go. Give it away and make more disciples.” Isaiah the Hebrew prophet, reminded people to enlarge their tent to allow for more people to come in. The principle of making more, creating more and enlarging is woven into the fiber of our being.

That is why it is so very foreign to me to be poverty stricken in my soul. When I begin to cling to things or people it usually has its root in fear. I begin to be governed by fear of loss; fear of not being able to acquire enough. I grasp and hold and guard everything and everyone within my influence. This mindset overwhelms and pushes me down into a very dark hole. I become a beggar who crawls about in despair over how little I have.

Recently I have been singed by this demon. My feathers burnt so that I cannot fly. I have been locked in a room of my own making. I have allowed the swirl to make me dizzy.

My husband and I moved from the home that we had established after dwelling there for 35 years. You can imagine the amount of ‘things’ you accumulate in that time frame. As I was packing to move, I was cleaning, giving things away, trashing and sorting. In the end, he and I packed up a rather large quantity of our belongings to head off without actually having a home to put the ‘things’ in. Yes, we had a large metal building, but no heating or air conditioning in an area known for a harsh climate.. I knew from experience that this sort of climate would wreak havoc on photographs and furniture. Those two items were my ‘precious belongings’. The memories I was clinging to were stowed away and destined to stay stowed for a long time.

This knowledge began to eat away at me as the time passed. And…it began to literally eat away at the objects that I loved. Furniture has been mildewed and stained. Photos have stuck together. I became a bitter, frustrated, fearful, worrying, nagging woman. The longer the things stay packed the worse I have become. Who wants to live with a bitter woman or man? Who wants to build a house for one of those? Who can stand themselves when they get that way?

“It’s better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house with a quarrelsome wife.” – Proverbs 21:9

Ouch.

The recognition of my poverty has brought me to a place at the altar where I have released the death grip on the things. Those precious photos…but Lord…I whimper, I whine, I wipe my tears. I look to His gentle, loving eyes. I reach out with shaking hands to Him.

” I see now, Lord. Those things I love, You gave them to me. Those things I love, You love too. You delight in my delight! You are taking care of them. And You are taking care of my bruised heart.”

A tiny little thank you escapes my lips. And then a resounding THANK YOU!!! is hurled at the sky. And then I am singing….

I overflow with thanksgiving and am released from chains that have held my feet and hands for so long. The shackles fall from my wrists and my feet run free. The road before me is wide open. No longer is my world spinning. No longer is it lack that governs my thoughts but the profound riches of my Father in heaven who lavishes His gifts on me. ME!!!!

Yes, we’ve been created to explore, to enlarge, to grow, to expand, to multiply all that we’ve been given! How crazy is that!!? He gave us the stuff and then we multiply it! We are the rich ones; rich indeed; And there is always enough.

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