Little girl plastered to a window in the midst of an afternoon downpour, heartsick at wings clipped, dying to go outside, not allowed, hopes dim, singing, “rain, rain, go away. come again another day…”.
She’s me. I was barely three or four, but loved the outside more than the in. I’m certain there were some tears and arguments involved in the having to stay inside process. There was definitely much dancing and mud flinging before I was confined indoors.
Not much has changed about that. I’m still planted in front of a window when it rains. I won’t come in unless it’s thundering and lightening either…
The years following included being glued to my window or looking out every five minutes, anticipating the arrival of my friend who came to visit her cousins (our next-door neighbors) every summer. I loved that friend, and as soon as I found out she was coming, I would watch for her. Many nights, I was still wide awake and peering into the dark until I saw the family station wagon pull up and kids pile out. Sometimes, I would fall asleep before they got there, only to wake up at o’dark hundred and race to the window to check for their car.
Years forward, it was watching for boys that I crushed on, who lived in my neighborhoods. They were older and drove and had girlfriends and jobs and lives. I doubt they knew I existed. My little ten-year old self had no idea I was invisible as I watched for the boys from my bedroom window. I was certain that they liked me as much as I liked them. I remember the ache and the longing for just one glance as they got out of their cars or walked into their houses. I watched fervently until porch lights went out. ‘sigh’
As I muse on these days, I recall the passionate and undying feelings that plagued me for months on end. That deep want within was wholly unsatisfied even if I was acknowledged. I would discover they weren’t as cute or as nice or as intelligent as they appeared from my window, and I would lose interest immediately. It was the ‘chase’ or the adventure or the unknown that was attractive to me and not the obtaining.
I recognize that there is a longing still within me and I think that it is something bigger than these moments I am remembering.
Could it be that the ‘longing’ is something that I was created with?
I want to propose that we come into being, assume a body, are breathed to life, all with a deep realization and recollection of our creator. We KNOW who made us and forever after are looking to reunite with that creator. We are hard wired to find our ‘home’ so much so that we keep waiting, looking, longing for a glimpse of that home and our Maker. We are that little girl waiting at that window with a burning desire to SEE her beloved; to run out and meet Him when he comes; to find that one she loves, not be kept prisoner inside of the mundane.
I, for one, have tried to fill that longing with all kinds of things. Sweets and liquor; men and friends and fun; music and dance, running and hiking and swimming; books and movies, worlds away from mine; working and working and more working, giving and giving and more giving. All of it good. All of it filling. None of it completing me. I am still looking for home.
The ONLY place I have ever felt home, I’ve ever felt completely at peace, has been in the quiet, secret place of The Most High God. Is He my Father? (In the words of the children’s story, ‘Are You my mother?’) Is He my Creator? I am hidden beneath His arm; listening to His heart beat in rhythm with my own.
My spirit says YES! I recognize Him. His voice echoes in my memories. His love breathes in my ear. His blood flows through my being.
I know I have found ‘HOME’.
It is in the dwelling, the listening, the Words written on the pages of the bible; words written by fellow watchers on the wall; brethren waiting before the windows, faces plastered against glass.
I understand their longing because it is mine. I feel their desperation and want. I know their voices.
I sense that my creator is very near. He beckons to me to look. I see. He calls me to Himself. We walk through gardens and forests and oceans and streets. We see His kingdom everywhere in the eyes of the creation. A broken body, a tiny babe, a tall leader, a prisoner, a teacher, a dancer…
All of creation groans in its search for the creator. It is when she looks and sees and feels Him near that her longing can be satisfied.
He calls to His beloved…”Come and walk with Me awhile.”
"O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly. My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water." Psalm 63:1