I Am Enough

Much of my life has been spent on the art of pleasing others.

I learned early that the better I walked, behaved, served, danced, sang, spoke, wrote, cared-for, cleaned, painted, cooked, or in other words…performed, the better I was loved and accepted. If I wasn’t first, if I wasn’t receiving praise, I internalized FAILURE.

The drive for love, acceptance and respect is strong. I would say these are right up there with my basic needs. They certainly have driven me. They also resulted in me losing a bit of myself.

When I was a teenager, I would not have an opinion about things. I never would say what I wanted to do, or where I wanted to eat. That phase started around thirteen. A friend would ask, “what do ya wanna do?” My standard answer was, “I don’t care.” If there is a piece of advice from my younger self that I can offer, it would be, KNOW what you think, have an opinion!

When one of my friends would bring up a hot topic and our group would begin to argue about it, I would go with the popular vote; what everyone was saying. Whatever it was, I was agreeable; ever the peacemaker, the balancer, the neutral party. Whatever made everyone happy.

I hated myself for this trait. I would go home and look in the mirror and say, “You are ridiculous. All of that to be a part of that group.” The lack of opinion, was a tool.

Maybe that came from moving so much. Maybe changing friend groups every couple years awakened this technique for gaining entrance into friendships. Who knows? It served its purpose, but… the ‘me’ that was left did not know ‘who’ she really was. She just kept working and striving to be accepted and loved.

Arriving in adulthood, I had very little time to forge opinions. I rode into parenthood quickly, and continued striving to survive, get ahead, and to be successful.

The lack of having opinions was not real, but it has persisted all my life. I had opinions and independent thoughts, I just didn’t bump into others’ ideas. I still ride the fence on a lot of things. I think I really don’t care about things, until I do. I may have had a thought about something but because of habitually putting others’ opinions in front of my own I didn’t even know WHAT I cared about.

On top of this, little loud-mouth opinionated Bessie had heard the words, from early on, ‘Count to ten before you speak!’ from my mama….

Hahaha… good advice mom, but… it backfired in my little head.

My kids always told me my face spoke volumes… I may not have SPOKEN my opinion (counting to ten), but they knew what I thought…

I strive to do the very best job at anything I put my hand to. Thus, my performance becomes a god. It gets mixed up in that need to please. I feel valuable when I DO things well and get praise from those watching.

This introspection, today, arrives at this functional place of making decisions, having an opinion… simple things, like the color to paint something, where to go, what to do…it governs my thoughts. What’s easy? What makes EVERYONE happy? Ugh!

…The inability to choose without a great deal of worry, stress, looking at ninety sides to an equation, or considering the long range results of said choices. The struggle is real.

During my years of Psychology studies and learning from my Psychologist dad, I found all kinds of labels for my behavior. The labels only described my actions, they never helped remedy or solve the internal warfare.

The ironic thing about this performance-driven behavior is that it is a no-win. I craved the praise and accolades but shied away from the public acknowledgment. So either way, failure was inevitable.

What chains bind us when we are caught in this web of deceit.

Today, I walk in a different kind of freedom. Not just the freedom to choose or have an opinion, but the realization that I am Loved; that I am valued; that I can express my desires and thoughts without condemnation from Him. There is no shame. There is only the recognition that God, my Heavenly Father, designed me and is still working on me. I am not perfect…yet.

The realization that I am beautiful and have been created in His image is huge! His creativity is in me. His thoughts are in me. Through His Holy Spirit dwelling in me, My mind is transformed and has the ability to function as He made it!

I am still learning to express my opinions and make decisions. There will always be those who don’t like what I say. I still stumble in trying to please people.

I must dwell in His Presence, moment by moment. I can pause, think, and speak. A process that one, who has to be ‘on-stage’ all the time, and know all her lines at the drop of the hat, has slowly begun to embrace.

I am so grateful that I am not finished yet…it’s an ongoing process; a piece of pottery on the wheel going round and round with the Master’s Hands expertly smoothing and forming me into something AHmazing!!

I am ENOUGH for now. I wait eagerly to see what I will be next year…

Still learning to dance in the midst of the storm, with upturned face and eyes and ears wide open…

‘…let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing…” James 1:4

Love y’all,

Betsy