“Put me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, jealousy is as severe as Sheol; Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Many waters cannot quench love, nor will rivers overflow it…”-Song of Solomon 8: 6-7
‘you won’t relent until You have it all….” words from a Misty Edwards’ song that encircles my thoughts this morning.
I lingered long at the Potter’s House until I became distracted with the things of life. School, studying for tests, camaraderie of my fellow nursing school buddies, weekends to blow off stress, exploring St. Louis culture…slowly the devotion to Potter and practice had faded in its glow and I was running footloose and fancy free into another world. I was pursuing acceptance and beauty for myself. I was desperate to belong to something, to someone that I could touch. The seed sown in my heart by religion did not confirm these things for me. I still didn’t know who, or whose I was. There was a flame of faith yet alive in me as I stood up for the downtrodden, the Right to Life, Jesus, Purity, Eternal life, the Bible…but…this was ‘self righteous noise’ in me, not even internalized, simply words that I believed. I knew that I was a fraud.
But His relentless Love kept pursuing my heart…
It was not long before I bumped right into truth. I knew, somehow, in my pursuit of self, my stumbling after what was right, my free fall into life without reins or bridle, that I was headed for trouble. I could feel that I was running after judgement to be ‘found out’. I wanted to be known and to know. I was a loose, wild horse plunging head long over wide open fields. Running naked across a golf course, spinning wildly on a merry-go-round, going anywhere there was interesting people; this behavior defined the lack of direction that was consuming me. The sudden stop at the door of decision was an unexpected pregnancy.
I was surrounded by ‘knowledgeable’ kids like myself. Some had had abortions, some had given up babies for adoption. I was not alone in my decision in this free-love world. There were plenty of people giving advice. But… I had encountered the living God down at the Potter’s House and I knew He was calling me to Himself. I could hear Him in my quiet room, by myself, in my despair.
He was loving me still in spite of my choices. He still accepted me even as I had turned my back on Him. The God of the universe wanted me to come to Him for help, and so I did. In spite of repeated condemnation from loved ones and the advice to abort the pregnancy, in spite of the humiliation and rejection by peers and instructors, in spite of the crisis of faith in realizing I thought differently from my family. In spite of rejection and shame. In spite of every fear of the future and the consequences laid before me I saw something much bigger than everyone around me.
I saw that I had been redeemed. I saw that I had been given a gift. I saw that a miracle was happening in my body and my soul. I saw that God had entrusted me with something very precious and valuable. I saw the endless possibilities. It was a heart condition in me that needed treating and the Creator knew just how to do it.
His relentless pursuit of my soul led me back to church. Church, because His people were there and they loved me into the arms of Jesus and stood by me as I grew in faith. Church, because innately I knew that it was where I could learn more about this Father who loved me unconditionally.
About eight weeks pregnant, nauseated and exhausted, I went on a work trip with our little church group to an eldercare facility called El Nathan Home. As I cleaned and dusted in that old building I came across a wall with the name of the place and a story about its roots. As I stopped there to rest, I read the plaque. The story of the tender but direct heart of the prophet Nathan as he spoke to King David pointing out his sin spoke directly to me. The bible passage filled with mercy and grace burrowed down deep into my heart. I can only vaguely remember the whole mission statement but the name emblazoned on the wall El NATHAN Home stood out in bold letters. I KNEW in that moment that the baby I was carrying was named Nathan. The tears fell. My heart melted. I can only say that this was an encounter with the Holy Spirit. His fresh Presence overwhelmed me and at the same time invigorated me with light. I was just a twenty two year old lost little girl who thought she knew everything and was washed in the love of God.
His relentless Love.