Eyes to Weep

Today has been an especially hard day. A difficult walk.

Standing on a precipice. Holding a hand. Allowing my tears to fall.

The tears have been closely guarded. I have walked the caregiver road and separated my heart from this painful process. I have wondered why my little Mama has been holding on so desperately to this life. Her tiny body is but a whisper of what it was. She is a fragile, porcelain figurine. Her breath comes with difficulty and her eyes are glazed over and fixed on some distant shore. I have maintained, and cared, and provided, and comforted.

But today…Today, I just couldn’t any more.

"Cast all your cares on Him, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

I know that Father God has reminded me, over and over, that I could trust Him and that I could not go with her. That I had to release my hold. I kept telling Him and her that I had let go… But today…

As I entered her room, she stared unseeing with what looked to be fear. Her body was shaking all over and all her muscles were taunt and rigid. She perspired freely yet her skin was cool. I immediately began to sing, songs of heavenly language; and then the Psalms; and then, exhausting all my lullabys, I turned on my worship songs on my phone and then old 40’s tunes. Some of the very songs my dad had sung to soothe her and myself; Nat King Cole crooned in mama’s ear. Her body relaxed.

I watched the weather and the time slide by and knew that I would have to leave before the next wave of thunderstorms came in. I knew the time was there for me to ‘do business’.

I began to pray.

Releasing my mother, asking God to show her how precious she is and has always been to Him, to me, to my brother, to our family, to hundreds of ‘sons and daughters’, I asked God to help her know that I have forgiven her and I hope she has forgiven me for any unkind or thoughtless word or deed. I asked God to show her that she has been a faithful daughter and when she sees Him again that He will say ‘well done good and faithful woman. Welcome home, enter into the Joy of Your Master”. I asked Him to remind her that He has always been with her even when she could not feel it or see it. ALWAYS. That He is a just and Holy King but also a tender and loving Father, a dad, that she can run to and be held on His lap and hugged close to His chest so that she can hear His heart beat.

The tears began to flow. They fell down my cheeks and covered me. I could not stop them. I continued to pray…Lord show my mama that I am going to be okay, that these tears are from pure joy at having had a mom who loved me and taught me how to be a mom and a grandma, who taught me so many things but most especially taught me how to pray. That her faithfulness will bear fruit for generation after generation. That she will be missed but that I would see her again soon in heaven when I get there!

Her hand that held mine now, gripping tightly, relaxed. Her breathing slowed and the tension in her muscles seemed to ease. The wrinkles in her forehead had relaxed and her eyes, open wide before, had gently closed.

I can only hope in this time spent, that all that I felt was true, was really true. That somehow these hours at the gates of heaven have been a sweet walk home. Though I cannot walk her inside, I know that today, I placed her hand into the Hand of the One who would walk her all the way Home.