The enemy does his best to destroy the house. The body that houses the Spirit of God; the home that holds the family; the family that grows the inheritance.
Every attempt is but a stab in the dark. The LIGHT floods in and reveals the futile tactics of a defeated enemy. Known weaknesses are revealed and exploited, yes; but sitting in the aftermath of the attack we can SEE. Sitting in our puddles of regret, we are exhausted, but VICTORIOUS! Forgiveness washes us clean. Grace lifts us up, even as there are further attempts on our lives. Destruction cannot touch us!
Shame. Despair. Disappointment. Apathy. Sorrow. Anger. Pride.
The little thorns in my side that would seek to draw my eyes away from my King and His plan; simply the design of darkness to keep me from beholding the true Victor in the battle.
But TRUTH reigns! I pick myself up and keep going once again on the well-lit path of righteousness.
I have been deceived many times in my life, especially in this last couple years.
Dementia has robbed my mother of her mind. She perhaps knew and fought valiantly to retain control. I, on the other hand, the ‘well educated health care professional’ did not accept it. All her tangled words and imaginary stories were truth to me and I took it all badly. Every assault from one I held dear was a personal attack and wounded my soul and my pride. Every cruel look or caustic comment hurt and robbed me of joy.
I have been accustomed to checking myself constantly with how I come across to others; to a fault I suppose. I could never give myself grace. I always thought something was wrong with me somehow, rather than the other person. The same was true in how I dealt with my mother. Others around me could see so clearly and I walked around punished and shamed.
This was the perfect battleground for the enemy’s ploy to get my eyes off of God and onto MYSELF.
BUT!
I had an epiphany yesterday. A wonderful, life-giving moment.
I picked up a little booklet given me by the Hospice nurse caring for my mom. I had given some of these out before to patients; nothing new; not like I hadn’t read this stuff before. Something prompted me to read it anyway. Maybe there is some piece of wisdom I can glean, or some comfort that I certainly needed. I read:
“This becomes a time of withdrawing from everything outside of one’s self and going inside. Inside where there is sorting out, evaluating one’s self and one’s life. BUT INSIDE THERE IS ONLY ROOM FOR ONE.“
WHAT!?
“With this withdrawal comes less of a need to communicate with others. Words are seen as being connected with the physical life that is being left behind…” (Gone From My Sight-The Dying Experience Barbara Karnes RN)
All that has happened with my mother has been THIS!!
I took everything personally. I was looking at MYSELF when it was the LIGHT I should be looking at. And on top of that; I have been trying to go WITH my Mama as she has retreated inside. Because she has cut me off, I felt rejected. I felt like a bad daughter; like I had done something wrong.
Here has been a great battlefield. And I HAVE WALKED (truth:stumbled) THROUGH IT and I am emerging from the clouds of smoke and dust…
Ah Lord God! How You love me to allow me to struggle and fight because I just have to do it myself… and then You pick me up, brush off my scuffed knees and hold me in Your powerful embrace while I bawl my eyes out…
Thank You!
The enemy WILL NOT rob me of joy. I WILL walk in celebration! The house will NOT be crushed but will flourish with the inheritance of royal blood that courses through her veins.
“We are not those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.” -Hebrews 10:39