A deep chuckle escapes from within me.
“This plan is brilliant, Lord! Absolutely brilliant!! You have me isolated out here in the woods. No work. No activities. No kids. No demands. An injured back so that I cannot even bend over or sit for prolonged periods. I can’t run away. You’ve got me where you want me, God. This must be important. Huh?”
He chuckles back. “Yes my sweet Elizabeth. I need you to listen. Not just nod your head and look away, but look at Me and HEAR what I am saying to you.”
The topic of this conversation is my obedience. I’m skilled at the cover up. I have appearances down. I look like I am compliant with my pliable nature and willingness to serve and give. The truth, though, is that I am just a selfish, petulant child who likes to make her own plans and do what she wants to do, when she wants to do them, without anyone telling her how to do them. I have lived with consequences enough to know how that works out, and yet, I continue on this path of self reliance and determined independence.
My husband seems to be the one who is willing to tangle with me in these situations. He is pretty easygoing until I am endangering myself or someone else or there is destruction of property involved. I make up my mind about what I am going to do and nothing will deter me until I get it done. I listen politely to direction and instruction and then, somehow, I walk away with complete amnesia. Did I not listen? Did I listen and ignore? Did I forget? I truly do not know in the moment.
Now, cornered in God’s office, I am seeing, seemingly for the first time, that I was disobeying direct orders. I must have thought them optional enough to discount them or forget them? I was only thinking about MY plan. The ‘real’ truth is apparent. I am being called to accountability at the age of sixty three for the years of flagrant disregard for authority.
God has made it clear that if I am to move on down the road, to be given deeper truths, to be useful to the Kingdom, I MUST get this.
My recent ignoring of advice led to my back injury. My lack of regard for instructions could have resulted in the damage of our fragile riding mower. On a daily basis, gentle wisdom I have set aside, has permitted my own personal heartache in dealing with difficult loved ones.
I moan and ask myself, “Why do you do this to yourself?”
The fact is, I am sinning. I am flesh and bone and self driven and I don’t really trust the authorities in my life.
But! God is bigger!
He loves me and has something better for me. I have tasted that He is amazing! Seeing miracles of healing and lives transformed, praying for people and seeing what God can do in this, speaking truth into broken hearts and seeing them become whole; I want all these things and I long to go DEEPER with Him.
He loved me well enough that He called me into His office today. Apparently He is saying, “Elizabeth, if you want to go DEEPER with Me, then you have to OBEY in the little. If you obey in the little things then you will obey in the bigger things that I can and will do in and through you.”
“The one who is faithful in a very little thing is also faithful in much…” Luke 16:10