December thirty-first, last year, I was sitting in a puddle of tears having just walked through the death of my father-in-law with my husband and his siblings. The last couple of years have been difficult with the losses of my brother, my mother, my uncle, several friends and now my FIL.
the hard and the beautiful. the waves of sorrow and pain. the human-ness of exhaustion. the grief delayed, compounded and layered. fatigue. burnout. depression. disappointment. rejoicing does not come. the dance is lost from the step.
2023
I sat there thinking I SHOULD be looking forward to the new year; that I SHOULD be supportive of my husband, WHO JUST LOST HIS DAD (!!). Instead of being a ridiculous mop of tears I should be mapping out 2024 goals.
My precious husband came into the room and sat down beside me. I apologized and lamented my complete lack in that moment. He looked at me, thoughtful, and said…”ya know, I know where my dad is. I have a great deal of peace with the time I spent with my dad and am so happy to have spent his last moments here on earth at his side. I’m really okay.”
That made me cry even more. What a dear man the I am married to! How gracious and how astute. He summed up in just a few sentences the beautiful grief that we experience in our lives. He doesn’t talk about things ad nauseam the way that I do to process. He thinks deeply and speaks so clearly.
Just then, I had a vision of sorts. I saw myself walking, following Jesus. I was shedding a cloak behind me as I walked. The cloak was a heavy winter coat that dragged on the ground and pulled my shoulders with it. As I walked, the cloak fell behind me and I continued onward toward light and freedom. The weight of the years just fell right off and was left behind.
I realized in that moment that I was actually saying farewell to the heavy grief that I had been carrying for the last several years. Grief, that in reality, began eleven years previous when my dad passed away.
My writing has reflected the pain. My life reflected it; the inability to find closure in anything.The inability to move forward. Feet in sludge.
I stop. I take it all in. The cloak representing every complaint, every disappointment, every bit of the wretched suffering. They parade before my eyes and I realize that Jesus is above it all. His Light overwhelms the darkness. There is no judgement, no condemnation here; only acknowledgement of the reality of pain and difficulties and the recognition on my part of the victory on the other side.
Light cascades throughout the dim room. Every crevice, every high shelf, every closed closet thrown open is bathed in unapproachable, shining brightness-all is exposed.
Truth invades. Lies are dispelled. Peace pursues. Rest abounds.
When that last breath is taken we enter that glorious Light. There is no weeping, no complaining, no loss. We enter into the rest of our Father, continuous and beautiful, trust rewarded.
This rich vision stays with me. What a glorious gift has been given me in these few moments.
2024 with all its busy-ness is that walk with lighter step; the looking forward with anticipation to opening each hidden treasure set before me. With eager waiting, I pursue the days, looking to the rising of the sun and the setting of the same. The sweetness of these days is not lost on me.
Oh Lord! Let me hold each one in my hands loosely and enjoy every moment for Your Glory and Honor!
“Be cheerful with joyous celebration in every season of life. Let joy overflow, for you are united with the Anointed One.”
Philippians 4:4 TPT
Beautifully written