Heartblock

I am here before you to say… I have wandered around for a time. Roughly three months worth of wanderings.

I have been caught up in the cares of the world and tangled in the weeds wrapped around my feet. The burdens I have carried have weighed me down so that, surely, I am several feet shorter and my vision has been obscured by the dirt in which I have been buried. It hasn’t been unpleasant, really, I have just been numb and immobile.

My wings have been pasted to my sides. The dance has been absent and songs haven’t floated through my head as much. The sad thing was… I didn’t seem to care.

But… I think I may be emerging. I’m feeling a bit like a butterfly stretching and quivering in her cocoon. And as I am, I am looking back to find out what actually happened. Because you see, I am not sure.

I had submitted a written piece of work for consideration for publication. It was declined, graciously, as I knew it would be. I was all out of sorts while writing it and felt pressed within the required constraints. I could not relax and let the words flow and the dangerous ‘acceptance’ status was plaguing me. I tried. I really did. I attempted to make the inspired writing fit the required number of words and genre. The real issue was I didn’t want to do what they had requested and being held within that framework only served to push me further from the acceptance letter.

Having put the effort out there and actually submitting some writing took some courage. I struggle with getting everything perfect and then waiting for the pat on the head. I have been so about getting the accolades of my people that I had forgotten this is really a God-given thing and He is the actual author and finisher of my faith AND the writing.

I simply took myself out of the mainstream. I dog paddled over to the edge of the muddy creek and sat in the cattails to wait and to watch and to listen.

Social media off. Work done. Quiet. Stillness. Frantic activity stopped. It was so unlike me that it felt strange. I filled a couple journals with words and thoughts and pictures and notes and prayers. I walked in the woods a lot. I stared at creation and drank in the days. When I got sick in the midst of this sabbatical it was not unwelcome. I slept and coughed and recovered. I could do very little. The time has been therapeutic. As my physical strength has returned so has the emotional and creative treasure. I think…

And yet…the heart block. There is something more to learn. The thing blocking my heart from hearing…is hidden in the recesses of my mind. Instead of actually, for really, being still and listening to what God is saying, I am this little moth flitting about, coming close to the flame but then heading off on a meandering path through the trees.

So…I press in. It’s an exercise for me. I practice, I hop up, I stop, a random thought flows across, I follow it, I sit and remember something I forgot to do and off I go yet again. It’s flexing unused muscles, finding them sore, and then abandoning the quest in favor of some pressing idea.

I know that My heavenly Father adores me and chuckles in amusement at my antics…I feel Holy Spirit wooing, Jesus holding my hand and Father smiling, and yet I still pursue my own path…

I long to follow Him and go deeper with Him and see what great adventure is in store. Obedience, patience, hearing and listening are not my strong suits. I am determined that these will be mine. This is my choosing. I will not dwell on my inadequacy but embrace that in my weakness HE is strong.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” -2 Corinthians 12:9

I will remember that, “I can do all things through HIM who strengthens me.” -Philippians 4:13

So TODAY, I am on THIS journey. I am LISTENING to the heart of my Father God!